I came back to school today, even though I really didn't want to. What made it worse was the fact I had to come back wicked early so I could work in the library today. After leaving the house I wanted to turn around and go back. I slept most of the ride, trying to keep my mind off it all. I awoke in time to see the, "Welcome to Bennington, Vermont" sign. I thought, well here I am, its too late now to turn back. As I saw the red roofs of the dorms, I felt at a loss, this really isn't home. I miss my comfy bed, my cats and my best friends. After my parents left I really wanted to break down, they were my last connections to home. Everything about home is now lost. I know I will return in two weeks but I really don't feel like I should be here. I'll find some strength in me to make it the next two weeks. I'll use the excitement and longing to go home to help me get all my work done. My goal is to get home, and to reach it I have to get all my work done. I already miss Sparky terribly, he didn't understand right before he left what was going on, he thought I would be getting in the car as well. I so want to cry thinking about him now. I was...exactly the same way last year at this time, longing to go home. The only thing that is here to connect me to home is mom's baking, yummy banana bread and chocolate chip cookies. 18 days.

I went to the STAY concert back on Friday November 13th, 2009 I went with my roommates Amy and Farrah. So I got up as close to the stage as I could when STAY was playing. After they played I went back to the back of the auditorium were I left Farrah and Amy and they weren't there. They weren't there. I checked my phone and they said, "Hey we left and will be back in a few." i thought they went to the bathroom or outside. I sat down and waited for a few minutes. After a few minutes they didn't come back so I went out to look for them. They weren't anywhere to be found. So I text them and asked where they went, they left the entire area, they went to Price Chopper because they had headaches from the loud music. They didn't end up coming back for a hour and a half. That entire time I was depressed and freaking out. Its not right to leave me all by myself. I told Tony that they left me and he said that was totally lame. I should have asked if I could hang around with him until they got back, he probably wouldn't have minded. So I ended up going back into the auditorium and sitting and listening to the next band but I wasn't paying too much attention to them because I was upset. I ended up leaving again and going to talk to my parents. Dubs walked by me and did a few hand gestures i don't know if he was asking me if i was okay or trying to be funny like he always does. Steve also walked by me and i wanted to talk to him but i was still on the phone. Once they returned i took my shirt and didn't want to have anything to do with them again. I did eventually talk to them again but I won't ever trust them again. I told Amy I didn't trust her or Farrah and they were like why? We didn't do anything wrong, you've been to concerts by yourself now. Yes I have but I've had bad times, I've been so freaking bored and I end up sitting by myself all night long. I've decided I'm not going to anymore concerts up here again. I miss Fran, she is the only one I can go with and enjoy my time at concerts. I've come to realize that I can't really trust anyone.

If Love Is Meant To Be

By: ALB

I kept checking to make sure your still there,

I fear you will disappear one day,

I always fear you will walk away.

 

I really want to tell you that I think I love you,

But I don’t think you feel the same way,

So I will continue to not let my heart speak.

 

I really don’t want to get hurt again,

That’s why I fear to let someone know my true emotions,

And I hide away from the world.

 

At night I sit in my room thinking about you,

Thinking about the so few memories we have,

I realize that I’ve put you in the back of my mind.

 

I put the boys of my bands first,

I’ve let you fall behind but I know you’re still always there,

And even though I love them I love you just the same.

 

Love is infinite and I love a lot of people,

But I love you in a different way then all them,

What I feel for you, this is true love.

So I haven't posted a poem in a while, so here is a brand new one I just wrote, enjoy =)

Forbidden Feelings

By:ALB

 

I shouldn’t feel this way for you

For I know you do not love me too

Our hearts do not beat for one another.

 

For some reason I still love you anyway

Soon though I will have to pay

These feelings should not exist for you.

 

I know I have known you for a long time

But I also know that these feelings act like I’m committing a crime

For our relationship does not include this.

 

I am just a fan

That is supposed to be the plan

But I can’t help what my heart wants.

 

I will not let you know

How my heart does flow

And now I will go.

So I'm lying here in my bed listening to a song called, "Catch Your Fall" by Gavin Mikhail. As I listen to his lyrics I start to see that the last two verses of his song remind me of my now relationship with the guys in the band Stay. Here are the lryics:

Still counting down the days
to when we'll finally arrive
But I am here now, you are safe now,
we're O.K. now, we'll survive
And I will hold you when you cry...

Oh I care I'll lift you up to
See where I will always
Be there any time you call
And I will take us back
Into a life of more than we've
Been through, beyond the lengths that we
Went to to be here after all
And though we sometimes stumble and you're scared
I'm always there to catch your fall...

For a while now I've been talking to Stay and I've had my bad days. Funny thing is I remember I told Steve or Tony (they are the ones who usually run the comments on the page) of what had happened and how bad I was feeling. They talked to me and told me everything was going to be okay and that they are forever going to be there for me. They care deeply about me and don't want anything to happen to me. I love them and I am glad I know forever I can talk to them to make me feel better. They will be there to catch me when I fall. I will miss them dearly when I'm back in school, but I will talk to  them all the time (when I can, lol)

Okay I know I've been working on my other blog but I thought it would be nice to start something new. I'm going back to SVC in a few days and I'm not too sure on how I feel about it. I'm happy right here were I am but all that makes me happy here is leaving as well (aka my friends). I don't really have a reason to stay after the day I do leave (August 30th) but its just that over the summer I've learned a few things, that as much as I use to hate this place, MA has always been my home and I have everything I've ever really wanted and needed here. Through the bands I've now to come to appriciate and adore and my friends I've learned I will always be a Massachusettsian. This is something I will share with most of the people I have now come to be close with. I will leave here happy, home will always call me back, but I can deal with being away from this wonderful place for a few months (October 10th-12th). I can't wait to see my friends Kristie Pollard, Stephanie Rippon, Kristen Alsberge, Andrew Gorman and any of my other friends I can't really think of at this moment in time. SVC is calling me, not to much longer I promise.

Okay I've tried to write this story over and over again but I have never been able to stick with it for very long. So I think I am going to work on posting this story over the next few days, spending a few says at a time editing and adding onto it. There are many events that have accord in the past 7-8 months that I really want to write about. This is not for class in Fall, none of these ideas are going to appear at all in my stories. All I am going to write about here is 100% non-fiction, it all happened. It all started back on January 16th two days before my 19th birthday. I was hanging out over my best friend, Fran's house when I received a text message from my friend Jamie. I don't quite remember what she exactly said but it was on the lines of something like, "hey I'm at the Natick Mall. I just walked by the Hot Topic and thought I saw the mean CCD teachers son.  He is in a band." I asked then what the band was called and she said, "Stay." I showed Fran the text message and we hopped onto Myspace to look for them. We couldn't find them at first but what band  we did find was a band called "Prospect Hill" from Boston, MA. We listened to a few of their songs and Fran added them. So we continued to look and sure enough eventually we found them. Fran and I were shocked to see the photo of the guy who Jamie told us about. We were like he looks like her son, who was named Steve. We were like it can't really be him can it? So we clicked on the link to his twitter and sure enough it said Steve. We clicked on the add as friend button on their myspace. A few hours later they added both of us and left each of us a comment saying, "hey Amy! thanks for sending us a friend request, what's up!? " I answered them back with this comment, "nothing much. My friend saw you at hot topic today and told me about you guys." I stopped talking to them pretty much after that until late February b/c I went back to SVC for my spring semester on January 19th, which was the day right after my birthday. I didn't really have anything to do with them until I noticed they were going to be playing in Benninton, VT at Knapps Undergrand. I asked around if anyone wanted to go with me, but none of my friends wanted to. I wasn't feeling very well the day they were playing there anyway. So I told the guys I wasn't going to be able to make their show, I didn't have anyone to go with. Tony commented me back saying that, "aw man! you should totally keep trying! or just show up and hang out with us! :) it would be awesome if you could be there! :) but if you can't, we understand!" Now I really feel like I should have gone. But back then the only one I really knew was Steve, I didn't know how awesome and wonderful Anthony Rainville (Tony) is. I said I couldn't go and that I was sorry. I also said have a good time or something like that. Tony said back to me, "thanks so much! there's always next time, we're gonna miss you! :(" I felt so bad after. But I noticed that they were playing on March 8th in Natick, MA at the High School. It was part of a three day weekend so I told Fran about how I was planning on coming home that weekend and she got in contact with them about tickets to the show. Tony sent her the tickets via the mail. The day she got them in the mail she couldn't help but squeeze them and not let them go. I was surprised she even let me touch my ticket.  The day of the concert my parent and I went to go pick up Fran at her house at I think 2, the concert was at 5 and it would take us a little while to get to Natick. When we arrived at the high school right as we were pulling in we noticed Stay's purple pice of shit they called a van back then. Liam was sitting on top of the van just relaxing (back then we didn't know who he was and then they didn't include Liam on thier page, it just mentioned Dubs, Tony, Steve and AJ) Fran and I got out of the car and said good bye to my parents. We went and sat on the pole and eventually Fran fell off so we sat on the bench instead. We were sitting there just waiting for the doors to open so we could go in. As we were waiting a few guys walked by, one who Fran thought was Dubs. Eventually we found out it really was Dubs. I didn't think it was, I figured he wouldn't be walking around outside, he was part of a band, boy was I so wrong. So after a while of waiting the purple van we had seen earlier was coming around the circle that was right in front of us. Fran and I both freaked out. I tried to hide behind Fran's sholder but it really didn't work too much. I could somewhat see the van and I could of sworn I caught Steve's eyes. I don't know where they were going but they left for a while. Dubs appeared again in front of us not to long after they left so we knew he didn't disappear with them. Fran and I observed many things as we were waiting as well. One thing we noticed was there were these guys giving out tickets to anyone who didn't have one yet. Fran called one of them something mean (I rather not say what it is for I won't ever call him it now that I know him a bit more). These guys I found out later were from Teamwork, which has now become my second favorite local bands. So eventually we got into the actual line when it came closer to the time to go inside. As we were standing there we meet this girl who apparently was a big fan of Dubs. Funnier thing was the fact Dubs ended up talking to her and her mother. As Fran and I listened to their conversation we found out Dubs wasn't as much as an idot as we thought, he could be quite smart.  As he was about to leave Fran asked him for a photo. The first photo with Stay (well Fran's first anyway). We waited a bit longer and after some controversy about not being able to take photos (first they said not photos of any of the bands, then they said okay but none of the Cab, which were weren't there to see anyway) we finally made it inside. We had to be checked over, then we had to get our appropriate wrist bands. Fran got in before I did and she saw Steve who disappeared as soon as I got in. (Thats why I call him Houdini, he disappears all the time and you can never find him. And now everytime people disappear Fran and I say they pulled a Steve). When Fran and I finally got back together we stood there, looking at the table where Stay's things were set up. Sitting behind the table was Tony. Fran turned to me and was telling me how very nervous she was (knowing Fran she is never one who is nervous ever, but she was this time. Usually I'm the nervous one). So I pushed her towards the table. Fran finally was able to talk to Tony. I don't exactly remember what she had said to him but I think she introduced herself, he remembered talking to her and then introduced me. He also remembered talking to me as well. She bought there two cd's that they had. Then we went away from the table to talk for a few. Then we eventually went back over, she wanted to ask him for a photo. He agreeded and came around the table to the other side. I took a photo of him and her (at that time I didn't want a photo with him). After the photo he was glad that we had come and that was the first time he hugged us, we weren't ready for that. I have been hugged before but not by someone I just met. After that moment I started to like him. So we went and sat down inside the theater and waited for the performance to begin. The bands started playing, (I can't remember all who played but here is a few I can remember and I talk to a lot are; Teamwork, The Bay State, Walk Harbor City, [Once More], and Hollywood Lies). After listening to these bands there was a intermission. So Fran and I headed back out into the lobby. We walked out into the crowd that was already out there and I had to go to the bathroom so while I was going Fran listened to [Once More] finish up their music (all bands had to limit their performace to 3 songs due to how many bands there were playing, [Once More] went over it and decided to just finish up in the lobby). I came out and Alex Griggs, the lead singer of the band had just finished. Fran then asked him for a photo, so I took a photo of them. Then we saw Tom Tash and Susanne Gerry, two memembers of The Bay State and Fran asked them for a photo on our way to see Steve. I was so nervous and the photo was very blurry. (I'm not usually that bad of a photographer). So after we went up to Steve.

So I've neglected my livejournal for a while, haven't really had anything to really talk about. My summer is going by slow/fast at the same time. I've been trying to find a job with no avail. Spending most of them money I had left over from last summer's job on concerts and what not. I'm going to see two bands this weekend, The Bay State Saturday in Foxboro and [Once More] in Natick on Sunday. Spending a lot of time with Fran, haven't seen any of my other friends really and I haven't really talked to my SVC friends. I'm sort of missing the mountains and everyone there, can't wait to see who I'm going to room with next semester. Going to be an interesting semester living in a new room in D dorm. So its not good for me being a writer right now, I can't think of anything to write, I'm too into my bands to think of anything. If I were to write it would be all nonfiction, I can't think of anything fictional. Should of taken Nonfiction first, oh well too late. Damn I really need to find something to write about, I'm going crazy. I've been thinking about finally picking up the book, Angels And Demons by Dan Brown. I started reading it at a doctors appointment last week but put it down afterwards, I am going to pick it back up tomorrow night.

I know I usually blog in video's on youtube but I feel writing one for a change. So there is this musician (okay if you pay any attention to my facebook you see how I feel about them, but this is a bit different). When it comes to love with them I know its not worth it but this case all I want is to be friends with him. His name will remain annonumus as well as what band he comes from. I read his bullitins on his myspace as well as his tweets on twitter and they have made me a bit concerned the past few weeks. One bullitin asked if someone would come and cuddle with him, a tweet asked if someone would dream about him that night. He talkes about his favoirte show a lot as well. I have commented back to a lot of the things he writes and he never says anything back. He seems so lonely but he won't let anyone he doesn't really know in. I know what its like. It takes a lot to let people in for me as well. If he knew how much he and I are alike. I care about him but he won't let me in. I wish he could see this but he won't. So I will sit here reading and wishing every time I read what you write. You are very sweet and I just wish I could see you more then once and maybe you wouldn't be so shy around me. For now I will just sit in the shadows as a on seer. If you ever wanted to hit me up though I wouldn't argue. I care.

Some people say that life is lived short; I say it’s lived as long as you really want it. Your life is measured by the memories you make while your life is lived. I have lived only 18, (soon to be 19) years so far and now that I look back at my life, I have suffered lose but my life is much better. My life has grown through the people I have met. They have left a mark on my life. I would never forget any of them and how they have made me the way I am today. Looking around SVC today I realized I have come a long way. I’m not the same person I was when I was 15. My mind has changed. I use to be someone who hated to hear profound language and would tell people not to swear. One day I was pushed into swearing and for some odd reason I liked it. That day I was sort of insinuated into teenage hood. My music my freshman year of high school was out dated. Soon I learned new music and I started to come into the music that most teenagers like. I use to turn up my head whenever someone talked about perverted things. Now I can’t help but twist everything most people say. My dad told me something that I didn’t realize before but I over exaggerate things. I never noticed before that I do it. I am going to try to stop. I hope if I learn how to not over exaggerate things that maybe people won’t leave me and think I’m rude and shit like that. Over all I am a very caring person who looks out for my friends and keeps them real close to her heart and keep them safe in times. I am also seemed to be a good person to come to for advice. I should be a psychology major but my heart is in my writing. I feel real bad after doing something I know I shouldn’t have, (one example that’s not extreme was I threw a bottle of medicine to my suite mate and I hit the person next to her by accident, I still feel bad for hitting him even though he has forgiven me and moved on.) An extreme example would be me pushing my friends away because of reasons I won’t go into but I really feel bad and now they won’t even talk to me. I’ve apologized but whatever, it’s up to them if they do or not. Ok I had to get this out and it has been a while since I posted a blog. Back to my stupid 5 page essay for English on why it’s okay for bosses to monitor their employees.

I just came back from walking around my farm here in Franklin Ma and I started thinking about everything that has happened for a while to me now. i've been a bad person. i'm losing a lot of the people i've meet. i've been a very mean person and a stupid fucking idiot. i'm depressed thinking about all this. if i keep this up i'll be all alone. just like i do in most of my dreams, why do i do what i do or say what i do? i wonder if i deserve to even have friends. i keep hurting myself more and more each day and i cant stop. my mom is right i love to argue, i can't help it i just love to do it, i need help. i guess i'm gonna have to go to the stupid councilor at SVC when i return (i hate shrinks but i have no other option). if there was another way without going to a shrink i would do it in a heart beat. maybe coming home wasn't such a good idea, i'm so different here then i'm at svc, but now my issues are gonna follow me back there. its me against the world i guess.

If only he knew. If only he knew how i feel about him and what would happen if he left now. i have total faith in him, i'm not giving up hope on him yet. he is suck a sweet guy, and i don't see why no one seems to like him. if only he knew, that poem was about him, if only he knew. he has touched my life. if only he knew, i was just like him. i like him a lot. if only, he knew.

Those Eyes

By: ALB

I could say your cute,

I could say your hot,

But you are more then all that.

You are the world that goes around under my feet,

You are the birds that sing outside my window,

You are the blood that runs through my veins.

I look into your eyes but you don't see me,

You look away and say nothing,

But I feel a connection you do not see yet.

I wish I could open your eyes to how you touched my heart,

I wish you could hear my heart beat for you,

But you just site there with those eyes.

Your eyes burn with something I do not yet understand,

You criticize yourself but I see what lyes inside,

You are more then you think.

I'm sitting on my bed recalling our meeting,

I only knew you for a short while but feel I have known you forever,

You are more to me then you think.

Your voice is the only thing that I hear in my ear,

Your face is what I see when I close my eyes,

Your smell is the only thing I smell sitting here.

I wish to tell you how you mean the world to me,

But I don't want to move too fast,

But take it slow.

Maybe someday I can tell you,

For now we are friends,

And that, has made all the difference.

I never actually bloged on a place like this so idk what to really write. I mean i have a blog on myspace and all but i guess i could start putting my poems and things on here too i guess. well i guess this is it for now.